How to talk about books you haven’t read

How to talk about books you haven’t read is the somewhat provocative title of an amusing booklet by the French author and professor of literature Pierre Bayard (°1954). It offers certain strategies and behaviours for those wishing to talk about books they haven’t actually read or haven’t read in full - a pose frequently adopted by scholars of literature. In general, many of us who enjoy a good book, have used the names Shakespeare or Tolstoy in a sentence. But who can honestly say they’ve read a complete book by them? Still, Bayard argues, that needn’t be a problem. It’s perfectly alright to talk about books you haven’t read. As long as what you’re saying is interesting…

So let’s put the theory to the test, shall we? For some time now, I have been planning to write something in our section Quotes from the book about Herman Koch’s Het diner, which for over a month figured in the ‘Fred and Fred are currently reading…’-category. Before today, however, I was reluctant to put anything down on the topic, because I hadn’t actually finished the book yet. In fact, I have to confess that I lost interest in it a couple of weeks ago already, but only today did I muster the courage to put it away, unfinished. To me, there is something ambiguous about not finishing a book. In a way, there’s always a feeling of defeat, of having given up, accompanied with a certain amount of shame. You have failed the author; quite possibly because you did not understand what the book was about, or because you are such a brute you couldn’t appreciate the artistry. Besides, there are friends or eminent critics who highly recommended this very book you never could bare for more than a couple of pages. ‘Surely, it’s me, not you’, you think while looking at the cover… On the other hand, not finishing a book rouses a feeling of victory, of courageous decisiveness, not unlike when a politician leaves the room in a heated debate to express utter disagreement. Anyhow, it’s just a funny thing, when you do decide to physically put the book back on the shelf, destined never to be read or to be swished at the earliest convenience. Many books I haven’t finished I remember vividly, many others I have read, I retain no memory of…

However, as I was reminded of Bayard, I lost my apprehensiveness to talk about this particular book I haven’t (really) read. Indeed, why wouldn’t I quote that funny passage about Dutch tourists in France, which reminded me so much of my holiday experiences? Truth be told, although I find Koch’s narrative rhythm too slow and his tableau vivant of the diners too awkward to watch (for the same reason, I never liked Het eiland, for instance), this passage is brilliant, and I would not want to keep it from you:

Ik liet mij blik over het grasveld glijden. Iemand had ondertussen een cd van Edith Piaf opgezet. Babette had voor het feest een wijde, zwartdoorschijnende jurk aangetrokken en nu deed ze een paar onvaste, aangeschoten danspassen op de tonen van ‘Non, je ne regrette rien…’ Wanneer ruiten ingooien en brandstichting niet het gewenste resultaat opleverden, moest je de strijd naar een hoger plan tillen, dacht ik bij mezelf. Je zou zo’n Nederlands watje van huis kunnen weglokken met het voorwendsel dat je ergens een nóg goedkoper wijnboertje wist te zitten, om hem daarna ergens in een maïsveld af te tuigen - geen slap pak rammel, nee, iets stevigers, met honkbalknuppels en dorsvlegels.
Of als je er eentje los zag lopen, in een bocht van de weg, met een boodschappentas vol stokbroden en rode wijn op de terugweg van de supermarché, dan kon je je auto een kleine uitwijkingsmanoeuvre laten maken. Bijna per ongeluk. ‘Hij dook zomaar ineens voor de motorkap op,’ kon je later altijd zeggen - of je zei helemaal niets, je liet de Nederlander als een aangereden haas voor dood in de berm achter en waste bij thuiskomst eventuele sporen van bumper en spatbord. Zolang de boodschap maar overkwam was alles geoorloofd: jullie horen hier niet! Rot op naar je eigen land! Ga in je eigen land maar Frankrijk spelen met stokbrood en kaasjes en rode wijn, maar niet hier, bij ons!

Marvellous, isn’t it? So, to conclude, it seems we can talk about books we haven’t read. Indeed, it’s great fun. After all, I haven’t read Bayard either, but do you really feel tricked by this blog?

Lol.