Quotes from the book (10)

I guess that people working in academia are on the official list of "People who are not allowed to envy other people traveling for their job". Apart from the cleaners, obviously. So there goes the introduction I had in mind, when I decided to blog about one of the funniest books I read in a while: The travel diaries of Karl Pilkington. For those of you who are not familiar with Karl: he is a jack-of-all-trades in the media landscape (podcaster, author, television producer), best known for the travel series "An idiot abroad" and his appearances in the Ricky Gervais Show (the world's most downloaded podcast, unless Adam Carolla succeeded in setting a new record), mostly as the butt of Gervais' practical jokes. 

The aforementioned book, spun off the travel documentary television series, describes the adventures of Karl, traveling in Egypt, Brazil, Jordan, China, India, Mexico and Peru. It is written as a diary, including his telephone conversations with the people who sent him abroad in the first place (Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant), and it is downright funny. His one-liners are hilarious, and some entries could have been scripted for a stand-up comedy show. A few examples: 

I had some toast and a bit of papaya. This was the first time I've ever eaten papaya. It was okay, but if someone told me I'd never eat papaya ever again, I wouldn't be bothered. I feel like this about most fruit. There is too much fruit in the world, and I don't like buying a lot of fruit, as it goes off so quickly. Maybe that's why we are told to eat five portions a day, just to get through the stuff before it gets mouldy. 

The odd thing with China is, they like to go out of their way to do things differently. Even something simple like reading a book they mess with. They read books from top to bottom and then back to the top again. It looks like they're agreeing with everything they're reading. 

The thing with announcing funny stuff is that you may end up with people staring at their screen, finding it all but hilarious. In that case, grab the book yourself and read it from top to bottom. You can agree with me afterwards: funny stuff...

Twitter and God

Judging from the fact that most of you came to this particular page through Facebook, I’m guessing  most of us are no stranger to the social media anymore. Or are you? Today I saw a picture being shared furiously on the aforementioned social network, which explained eight different social media in a funny way. What was less funny to me was the fact that I had never heard of five of them: foursquare, Instagram, Pinterest, Last.fm and G+ are total strangers to me. (Okay, I know G+ stands for Google+ but I have no idea how it works).

So that’s five out of eight, but which three are missing? Obviously the most popular ones, since even I know them. There’s Facebook, duh. YouTube, that’s another one. And finally there’s Twitter – which only last week was in the news.

The occasion was that recently the first major study was concluded as to the relevance of Twitter. As you probably know, this rapidly growing microblogging service enables its users to send and read text-based posts of up to 140 characters. Some use it for personal reasons, as a kind of online version of cell-phone text messages (sms), while others follow or write tweets in a more professional context, like the political media or cultural scene. The conclusion of the study was that a good tweet is relatively rare. It seems only 36% percent of them are experienced by the users as ‘interesting’.

Of course this is a difficult criterion. Suppose I asked you to rate your current email inbox. What percentage would you rate as ‘interesting’? Moreover, if a certain account you follow on Twitter is not interesting anymore, you can easily unfollow it. Indeed, whereas with Facebook you need permission to follow someone’s account, with Twitter you can instantly follow anyone you want. Personally, for instance, I follow @BarackObama, @ParisHilton and even @jesus. The sky is the limit, pardon the pun.

Which brings me to the following. To give you a small sample of how Twitter works, I thought I’d give you a selection of Ricky Gervais’ tweets. Besides an outrageously funny comic, he’s an animal rights activist, a humanitarian and a convinced atheist. Above all, Ricky Gervais is not afraid to speak his mind about what he believes in.

About God and religion, for instance. A while ago Gervais got caught up in a discussion about religious matters. I don’t know exactly when it started, but it seemed to speed up after this tweet:

@rickygervais And this photo is NOT me a dressed as Jesus. It's from The Invention Of Lying. And even if it was, so fucking what? http://pic.twitter.com/DhOD7lF1

20 Jan

What followed was a veritable bombardment of Gervais on Twitter by people who tried to convince him to believe in this or that God or religion. Here’s some of the funnier ones (in quotes “ ”), most of the  time with Gervais’ answers immediately following:

@rickygervais “@HerNameIsDawn: @rickygervais What do you think happens to the mind after you die?” The same as what happens to your voice

24 Jan

@rickygervais “@ckleass: do you have any friends who r Christian?” Yes. & Jewish & Muslim. I've also friends who love GLEE. We don't have to always agree

25 Jan

@rickygervais Ask yourself why you don't believe in all the other gods. Your answer, is why I don't believe in yours. This endeth the religious tweets.

25 Jan

@rickygervais “@jskrew: I believe in Santa Claus and the Easter bunny- what religion is that?" As valid as any other.

29 Jan

@rickygervais “@LeoDukes: Here's a thought! I'm a fan who enjoys your works, but Im sick of you going on about religion. Should I stop following?” Yes

1 Feb

@rickygervais “@ChallonGoodeRVC: @lewisdent @billybasset1 there's heaps of proof of Gods existence!” Go on...?

3 Feb

@rickygervais “@Graeme289: oh man give it a rest about god .....” Sorry for tweeting you all the time Graeme I...oh hold on, YOU'RE following ME. #gorp

3 Feb

Now who said comedy and philosophy couldn’t go together?

Ricky, if we had one, we would award you the 2012 Fred and Fred prize!

One gozer, more geezers...

Yesterday, I went to the latest show of whom I consider to be Belgium's finest stand-up comedian: Bart Cannaerts ('Waar is Barry'). With his mix of clever puns, funny observations describing the connection between our language and everyday life, neurotic stories and a sheer amount of visual humour, he had me going through the complete spectrum: from chuckling over smiling to laughing out loud. One of the nice things about his show was the fact that it actually carried a message. Without giving too much away, as I do recommend you to check him out yourself, I can share a particularly interesting reflection of his, concerning photographs. "Photographs", he said, "are usually taken under the pretext of giving you the opportunity to live the moment again, at home. This is bullshit, as you didn't actually live the moment, since you were too busy taking the picture in the first place."

This reminded me of a particular experience I had this weekend, not to mention all the previous times (notably whilst traveling). I had one of these moments that will sound quite familiar to keen photographers, in which the only thing you can think is "Damned, where's my camera when I need it?". On my way home, cycling along a riverbank in Ghent, I noticed a flock of birds (geese, I suppose) flying in what can safely be described as a fractal formation. You are probably familiar with the typical V-shaped form, but this was different, almost like a binary tree - if that makes sense to you. Halfway one of the legs of the bigger V, another leg branched off, generating a smaller version of the original shape. This repeated itself at several places, including the smaller branches, generating something which essentially resembled a river delta. Quite fitting, I thought, as they are probably on their way to a river delta, somewhere near the equator. 

This particular view of the sky was mesmerizing: the mathematical pattern, the actual colour of the sky, the birds following each other; it made me realize that I was missing a perfect shot. And yet, in retrospect, I feel quite happy that I did not have the opportunity to capture it on film, as this might have ruined my recollection. The mental image is firmly etched into my mind now, making it way stronger than the 4.6Mb image I could have extracted with my camera. As cheesy as it sounds, I really enjoyed riding my bike whilst looking upwards, seeing these magnificent creatures head towards their friends in the South. They were probably completely in panic "What the duck is going on here? Weren't we supposed to leave like... I don't know, a month or two ago?". I envisioned families of geese, switching heads from thermometer to calender, staring at the not so freezing temperatures in utter disbelief, fearing that the annual barbeque party in the backyard of their African friends would no longer be an option. 

But look, it's one week later and the situation drastically changed. Hundreds of people frozen to death as temperatures keep plunging (reasons to stop complaining about trivial shit: plus one), political turmoil over the fact that homeless people have to spend the night outside, and there is more to come. I am safely inside now: nicely warm on the outside - thank your local deity for sweaters and heaters, nicely warm on the inside. Because I saw them geezers on their way to normality, minding their own aviary business. I wished them good luck, I do hope they'll drop me a postcard... 

Get it on!

I guess, nay hope, that you’re probably not too surprised to hear that Fred and Fred are pretty big fans of comedy. I mean, we do try to be funny (we hope you’ve at least noticed the intention), but of course we are very aware of the fact that we are nowhere near our examples. And who might they be? Well, I believe Fred is quite fond of standup comedians like Eddie Izzard, Steven Wright, Jimmy Carr and of all-round talent Ricky Gervais, whereas I’m more of a BBC comedy man, enjoying Green Wing, Little Britain, The Fast Show, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Shooting Stars, and shows like that. Still, I’m no stranger to standup either and especially like Scottish comedians Frankie Boyle and Kevin Bridges. Now, if you want to know more about all this funny stuff, do leave this blog and Google or YouTube any of the aforementioned names. You’re in for a very, very good laugh. But if you want to get to know something else, I suggest you read on for a while…

Indeed, I have left out one comedian in the list – a man whose nasaly drone (his words) I listen to almost every day. And that man is Adam Carolla. He’s come up a few times on this blog already as the source of one witticism or another, but I’m pretty sure nobody knows who the guy is.

Adam Carolla, born in LA in 1964, used to be a carpet cleaner, a traffic school instructor, a carpenter, a boxing instructor, and a general contracter before getting into the comedy business. He then did radio shows, got several succesful shows on MTV, made a movie and finally got his own morning radio program The Adam Carolla Show. However, in 2009 the very popular radioshow was inexplicably cancelled, and Carolla was out of a job.

And that’s when a stroke of genious hit. Carolla started a daily podcast, also called The Adam Carolla Show, which is available for free on iTunes.


It includes a news cast, a guy with a brain tumor doing funny sound effects (for real!), and games like Blahblah-blog where the guy guess which celebrity wrote a certain pompous quote on his or her blog. The show also features interviews with guests like Christoph Walz (the German colonel from Inglourious Basterds), Morgan Spurlock (the guy from Supersize Me) or Michael Moore. In May 2011 the show became the Guinness World Records holder for the most downloaded podcast after being downloaded a whopping 59,574,843 times from March 2009 to 16 March, 2011!

So now, every morning after getting out of the shower, I put my iPod in the speakerbox and listen to this podcast. And I listen to it during my commute, while doing the dishes, when shopping; pretty much whenever I have the time, really. And I absolutely love it.

Why?

Well, Carolla’s prime talent is … complaining – something I’m quite fond of myself actually (if you hadn’t noticed yet). Indeed, one of the many bits that come along in the podcast is called What Can’t Adam Complain About?, a part where listeners can call in and challenge Carolla to complain about something that they think is impossible to complain about. I’ve heard him complain with dolphins, Ferraris, even oxygen, and it’s always super funny. But during the show too, Carollo will complain about just about anything. About flavoured iced tea, for example, saying “Iced tea has a flavour! It’s tea flavour. We need to call peach or passion fruit iced tea something else so I don’t end up with a cold drink tasting like potpourri and shit when I order iced-tea!”

But complaining isn’t Carolla’s only talent. He’s quick as a fox and his tongue is razor sharp, which allows for hilarious quotes. I’ve often had people on the train looking at me in a funny way because I was ‘laughing like a hyena’ (again, Carolla’s words) at one of his quotes. Here’s a couple for you to enjoy:

• "Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it."
• "I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none."
• "When black men get fat they become bouncers. When I put on 30lbs I start looking like Truman Capote."
• "He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome."
• "Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes."
• "You think you're Napoleon? You're nuts. You talk to Jesus? You're nuts."
• "You might be an eighth Cherokee, but you're still seven eighths asshole."
• "My philosophy is: figure out what you want to do in life then take a nap."

(source: @carollaquotes twitter-account)

So, get it on with Carolla (his catchphrase, repeated at the start of every podcast) and check out the show at http://www.adamcarolla.com. It’s free and funny as hell!

Thank you and mahalo (his Hawaian-style sign-off).

EPC (2)

"Curious, arrrrrr you?"

"Aye, scroll to 2:00."

Strange jobs...

When it comes to people having strange jobs, nothing beats the bailiff (aka de gerechtsdeurwaarder). Seriously, what exactly is it that these so-called legal officers do for a living? Break into your house and sell your stuff on the street? Sorry, some Eastern Europeans do that too. Faster, better and they don't get paid for it.

Bailiffs also need to be present at national lottery drawings, to make sure that nothing goes wrong. Erhm, excuse me? As far as I understood, a lottery drawing involves drawing a fixed number of coloured balls from an automated shuffling machine. Can somebody please explain to me what can go wrong with that? Look, I'll make an official promise: next time I come anywhere near that lottery machine, I'll throw a dead Smurf into it. I can't wait to see that bailiff's face.

- Hello boss, you've got a minute there?

- Uh, yes? What's going on?

- The lottery machine spit out this strange thing tonight.

- I don't know what it is, but it's definitely not a ball.

- What? Can you describe it for me?

- Eh, it's blue...ish, and it smells like the past tense conjugation of an animal. You've got any idea boss?

- Hm. Doesn't sound like tofu then...

On the other hand, I do envy the bailiff's job, because they get the opportunity to attend all kinds of world record attempts. The first time I saw the Guinness Book of World Records, I thought someone had compiled an encyclopedia on exemplary acts of human stupidity. I mean, precisely how deranged was your childhood when your life goal is to obtain a world record title for having the longest fingernails on earth? Or how about being recognized as our planet's fastest hot dog eater? Some nouns are just not meant to be combined with a superlative, right?

To me, one of the funniest world record titles is the one in barbecuing. I'm not joking: there exists a World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest. Often won by the Germans by the way. I have to be honest with you, I don't see the point in this. Man has been grilling meat ever since the Big Bang. And since when did we decide to crown world champions in disciplines that are basically evolutionary instincts? If that is the line of thought, I would like to see a World Championship Fruit Picking Contest for Woman. Which would probably be won by the Germans too, they're more or less trained to stretch their arms, remember? Or how about the annual World Championship in Running Away from Dangerous Situations? This could be the only one in which the Germans consistently end up in second place.

- Scheisse, we're running out of beer!

And then, with a small lead, the Jewish world champion, anxiously looking over his shoulder:

- Ya ben shel kah-ba, the Germans!

In the head!

Fred's blogpost about dolphins from a few days ago triggered my brain too: it made me think of what I believe to be one of the most brilliant stand-up comedians out there, although you might be more familiar with Ricky Gervais as the guy from the office. The office, not yours. Unless our blog's cybertendrils reach further than we thought: in that case, can you please say hi to Ricky?

I am aware of the fact that this blog is probably nothing more than your daily dose of dorky diversion at work - wedged between more important things to do, and this is very likely putting serious restrictions on the amount of time you are willing to spend on a blogpost - be it reading, deciphering or dropping a comment in the box - but I do recommend you to stay here for at least another 6 minutes, because the following passage is one heck of a way to kickstart your weekend with a smile across your face... Enjoy!