One of the most exclusive things you can order from the sushi menu in an upper scale Japanese restaurant is shirako. You may have a liking for raw tuna and salmon, but hold your seahorses: when you order shirako, you will be served a bowl of frothy, spiral-shaped white objects, exuding an unmistakable deep-sea odour. Sadly enough, this is the euphemistic description, as shirako is nothing but a bunch of sperm-filled reproductive glands of male cods. Yups.
Look, with more than 171,476 entries for words in current use, it is pretty obvious that the Second Edition of the 20-volume Oxford English Dictionary contains more than one combination of words that isn't such a good match. But if you'd ask me: 'sperm' and 'food' are definitely in the top 10 of the list of most unconventional word combinations.
This could be the scientist in me taking control of the keyboard, but when I read about things like this – fish's penises being served as food – I always find myself wondering: why and how? There might be something wrong with my imagination here, but tell me: can you picture a fish tank filled with horny cods who are trained to almost ejaculate upon command? I can't.
Which is why I devoted two whole weeks to this captivating riddle. Two nerve-wracking weeks, to be more precise, since few things are more frightening than having a partner who is eyeballing you from across the dinner table, ready to fire the Mother of all Ugly Questions in your direction.
“What exactly are you thinking about?”
Because I am pretty sure that 'how to breed horny cods?' is not just a weird question, it's also a very weird answer... In the end, I found my answer where my chubby neighbour found his wife: on the World Wide Web. This time, the cliché turned out to be true: the explanation was there, right in front of me. Porn.
“Porn? For animals?”, I hear you asking?
Let me remind you that this would not be the first time: in 2006, zoologists at the Chiang Mai Zoo in Thailand have let their sluggish giant panda bears watch panda porno, in order to promote sexual arousal and boost their mating efforts. Somewhat inspired by this fact, I got convinced that before you can serve your daring clientele a non-standard portion of proteins in the form of shirako, you have to feed their soon-to-be-meal porn. Fish porn, that is.
My only problem is that I do have a few moral objections against this idea. I mean, just imagine you are a male fish, watching a porn movie. You are horny as hell and you have a huge erection. Not the worst of situations, right? Until you realize that your fins are too fucking short to masturbate! Now thàt is what they call tantalizing.
On the other hand, it does explain why the Manta ray is happily flapping its way through the ocean. After all, it's the only creature in the deep blue that can spank the monkey...
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