Strange jobs...

When it comes to people having strange jobs, nothing beats the bailiff (aka de gerechtsdeurwaarder). Seriously, what exactly is it that these so-called legal officers do for a living? Break into your house and sell your stuff on the street? Sorry, some Eastern Europeans do that too. Faster, better and they don't get paid for it.

Bailiffs also need to be present at national lottery drawings, to make sure that nothing goes wrong. Erhm, excuse me? As far as I understood, a lottery drawing involves drawing a fixed number of coloured balls from an automated shuffling machine. Can somebody please explain to me what can go wrong with that? Look, I'll make an official promise: next time I come anywhere near that lottery machine, I'll throw a dead Smurf into it. I can't wait to see that bailiff's face.

- Hello boss, you've got a minute there?

- Uh, yes? What's going on?

- The lottery machine spit out this strange thing tonight.

- I don't know what it is, but it's definitely not a ball.

- What? Can you describe it for me?

- Eh, it's blue...ish, and it smells like the past tense conjugation of an animal. You've got any idea boss?

- Hm. Doesn't sound like tofu then...

On the other hand, I do envy the bailiff's job, because they get the opportunity to attend all kinds of world record attempts. The first time I saw the Guinness Book of World Records, I thought someone had compiled an encyclopedia on exemplary acts of human stupidity. I mean, precisely how deranged was your childhood when your life goal is to obtain a world record title for having the longest fingernails on earth? Or how about being recognized as our planet's fastest hot dog eater? Some nouns are just not meant to be combined with a superlative, right?

To me, one of the funniest world record titles is the one in barbecuing. I'm not joking: there exists a World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest. Often won by the Germans by the way. I have to be honest with you, I don't see the point in this. Man has been grilling meat ever since the Big Bang. And since when did we decide to crown world champions in disciplines that are basically evolutionary instincts? If that is the line of thought, I would like to see a World Championship Fruit Picking Contest for Woman. Which would probably be won by the Germans too, they're more or less trained to stretch their arms, remember? Or how about the annual World Championship in Running Away from Dangerous Situations? This could be the only one in which the Germans consistently end up in second place.

- Scheisse, we're running out of beer!

And then, with a small lead, the Jewish world champion, anxiously looking over his shoulder:

- Ya ben shel kah-ba, the Germans!