Old boy

I recently bought a cap. Not a Yankees’ or NBA cap, an old guy’s flat cap. Like this:

And I must say, reactions have not been unequivocally positive, to say the least. One of the most heard criticisms is that it makes me look old. However, I don’t mind. Being a man I have the good fortune that looking older isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Also, I like the cap. It keeps me from getting wet and keeps my ears warm when it’s nippy at 6 o’clock in the morning. But there’s another reason why I like my old guy’s cap, a deeper, more secret desire. To be honest, sometimes I can’t wait to be, let’s say, seventy. They say there’s a boy in every man, but in me there’s an old boy as well. I’m serious; being seventy must make life so much easier! Let me explain.

Primo it would solve my ongoing problems with hair. Obviously the hair on your head is hidden safely under the cap, so you needn’t worry about getting the correct style anymore! Also, when you’re a seventy-year-old guy, that means you can shave in patches and for instance leave long hairs on your Adam's apple. In fact, you needn’t worry about any facial hair whatsoever and can just ignore those hairs protruding from your nostrils or your ears, and start sporting Gandalf-like bushy eyebrows.

Secondo when you’re a seventy-year-old guy, you don’t need to think about what to wear anymore. You can just sit around all day with a wife beater on and old (preferably stained) trousers. Also very much on the plus side: you never need to take off your slippers anymore and you can even wear your hat inside on account of the stupid excuse that ‘There’s a mean draught in here!’, regardless of whether it’s November or July.

Terzo you don’t need to be polite anymore. You’re now allowed to wave your fist at noisy youths in the street shouting a hoarse ‘Goddammit!’, without them considering beating you up. Also you’re not obliged anymore to participate in conversations about stuff you’re not interested in, but you can either dose off in the middle of them, or just change the subject whenever you want without offending anyone.

Quarto you can completely indulge in strange eating habits like having the same sandwich every day, cutting sausage through the plastic wrapper, wolfing down stuff from tins others wouldn’t feed their cat, or proclaiming that ‘There’s nothing wrong with having a beer or two, look at me, I’m seventy and I never felt better!’.

Quinto you don’t need to be au courant anymore. No more ploughing through newspapers or diligently watching the news to get the latest in politics or global economy. You can just rely on the old cliché that in your time 'prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders', to quote Mary Schmich again. Moreover you are now allowed to get completely out of touch with technology and just stare at a cell phone, DVD player or even microwave oven until one of your grandkids programs it for you.

All in all, for me, being a seventy-year-old guy equals being able to do exactly what you want: use obsolete words, hum strange songs no one knows anymore, watch TV all goddamn day while complaining about it, sit around listening to the sound of your nose growing into a freakishly big size, and most of all, wear a flat cap without anyone thinking anything of it!

Take that, flat cap-haters!